Validate your child's feelings

TerryHauck

TerryHauck

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The Overcorrection of Emotional Validation​


One of the most common ideas in modern parenting books is that parents should “validate their child’s feelings.” It is repeated so often that it has become almost automatic advice whenever a child is angry, upset, afraid, jealous, or disappointed.
There is a good idea underneath this. Children need to learn what they are feeling and be able to talk about it. But I think the idea has gone too far.

Acknowledging a feeling is not the same as validating it. A child can be genuinely angry and still be wrong about what happened. They can be jealous because they misunderstood a situation. They can be afraid of something that is not actually dangerous. The feeling is real, but that does not make the child’s interpretation of reality correct.
If we constantly tell children that their feelings are valid, they may begin to treat their feelings as proof that their view of the situation is right. Even worse, they may learn to depend on other people to tell them that what they feel is acceptable.
That can follow them into adulthood. Instead of learning to recognize and examine their own emotions, they may constantly look for emotional validation from friends, family, or others. They become better at asking, “Does someone agree with how I feel?” instead of asking, “Why do I feel this way, and is my understanding of the situation correct?”
Children need to learn self-acknowledgment and reasoning, not dependence on validation.


A better approach is, Identify the feeling. Examine it. Determine what is true. Then decide how to respond.
A parent can say, “I can see that you're angry. Let's figure out what happened.”

The emotion has been acknowledged without declaring it right or wrong. The child is then taught to examine their own experience rather than simply receive approval for it.
The goal should not be to raise children who need their feelings validated. It should be to raise children who can recognize what they feel, examine why they feel it, understand what is true, and respond appropriately.

What are your thoughts?
 
Sounds good to me.

Validation in this way is just another example of pop psychology running wild and causing social disruption and collective trauma born of the chaos.

And no surprise. Most human beings do not have the EQ to properly rear children, but so it goes, and that has been the case since the start of our species.

Consider too, that on planet earth, one-third of every person alive today has an IQ between 85-100.

What that means in terms of rearing a cohort of children cannot be overestimated in terms of longitudinal effects.

No matter. The swing toward validation will cease as social oscillation swings to yet another imbalance, and as children who grew in such an environment become adults and find out the majority of people do not give a fuck how you feel.

I saw the swing toward risk-aversion parenting really take hold in the early 1990s, and how that morphed into soft-touch/friends-style in the aughts. So 15 years of WTF from me, but what is my opinion worth? Nothing, and I did not father any children.

What other people do is none of my business, and I don’t worry about that which I do not control.

If other people want to validate their child’s feelings, so be it. Smart kids might escape it, and regardless, the rest of the world will invalidate those children when the aftereffects and consequences of the social experiment gone wrong interfere with making money.

Cheers,
Ian
 
Age is a factor

It really is about knowing what the child needs.

If those needs are not met then the child will learn ways of coping as an adult that do not work.

Feelings are not rational sometimes because you cannot reason your way out of some situations where actions are required.

If a child does not want to be hugged they will resist, if a child needs a hug they will cling. You cannot tell them they do or do not need the hug because its is something they need or do not need and so they either get what they need or they do not.

"Oh your hungry, let's discuss where this is coming from so we can figure it out together?" Hunger does not work that way. You feed them or you do not feed them and they feel according to what was or was not given. The source of a feeling is either havening the need met or not. The child does not or cannot understand unless they learn that needs are being met or or not being met.

It gets rather complicated as teenagers because they can reason somewhat but it's all still based on needs. I need friends so I need the dress. It can be hard to realize for them but reasoning with them all depends on the parents ability to reason why they do not need a dress to have friends. A child is not going to reason with you that broccoli is disgusting and will not like you forcing them to eat it. They will learn that they were forced to do things like eat broccoli no matter how much nutritional values you explain to them are on the box. They will instead hide the brocholie or feed it to the dog. Habits form by what what the child need to do to avoid or get what they want. Then the habits ingrain into the child and it will result in some instances as teenage rebelling.

Trust is something kids learn early so child development is not going to be about reasoning but about whether the child can trust the parent to have the needs met. As the child learns to reason because of language development stages then the parent can explain feelings but that's not a substitute for the child's dependency on the parent. People think children can reason as adults but that makes the parent unable to give them what they need which is detrimental as feelings are not about explaining them away but about the actions towards the child to feel secure so they will listen.

Main take away: Children listen when needs are met as they depend on the parents actions to get them met. They learn to get what they need so the dependency of the parent is what is important for the child's feelings to develop correctly.
 
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@Fruiteloop

Good points but not entirely in line with what I am talking about.

Definitely don't argue with you toddler, but it is good practice to provide short explanations once, and then expectation.

Ie child hits another because they are mad.

Good "I see that you are mad, but we do not hit."
BAD "It's okay to be mad, but we don't hit."

Then you can say "sometimes we get upset when people take our things but we use our words." "Sally is little and didn't understand that this was yours and hasn't learned to ask yet."


The difference here is the validation vs acknowledgement of their feelings.


Then as they get older you jump into examine more often. And identify the situation and how it impacted them more thoroughly. But if you started with acknowledgement instead of validation, you are ahead of the game because you don't have to remove the prejudgment of the feeling being valid and then go backwards. Instead we already established what the feeling is and what caused it and so we only have to move onto how we can evaluate it.

This also addresses the problem parents have of assuming their kids won't understand the explanation. They are correct, the kids won't understand, but they will understand sooner if you start sooner.


The important part is identifying when the child is ready to listen and not trying to examine the situation when they are in the middle of a tantrum. In that case you have to teach them how to calm down and listen first and then have the discussion.
 
TerryHauck said:
The difference here is the validation vs acknowledgement of their feelings.
Click to expand...

I never really saw this as a clear difference. I did not read any self help books on this particular subject.

I do see parents doing things in the wrong ways because feelings are not something to rationalize away.

Other people might not see the difference either because to most people this would be a distinction without a difference. The words mean the same things to most people. But I understand it is important to make the difference if it really comes down to the nitty gritty of it. Peoples verbal intelligence just aint that high up in the average range for them to notice. Over time many arguments I have had with adults comes from them not understand what I mean because of word definitions not being the same and logic not being followed. It hurts my brain sometimes so I do not make hold high standards of distinctions for other people as often unless I know they will not be offended by them.

So of course you are correct on the matter we should acknowledge the child's feelings before we try validating them but as it is the subject would make sense only to a select few individuals who can understand. Because is validation something we should totally avoid? In adults validation is totally necessary if you do not want the other people to reject you. Some kids act more adult and some adults act like kids. The line would be blurry at a certain transition (child to adult). Reasoning with another person is highly dependant on them being able to reason (if they cannot then you do need validations in some form to not have them view you as against them) whereas ones own child you are not trying to get them to reason with you but to have them love you or they cannot become fully functional adults with secure attachments. It is safe to show ones feelings around a parent but not around other adults who would not allow you to feel things as explicitly as a parent would. If one has a child love is what makes the difference not really reasoning which you have to do with others that do not understand you. So a parrent should undrstand the child more that as they get older other people do not know them as well as the parrent would.

Usually people pick subjects they are interested in like this because I am guessing that you see parents doing it wrong or this happened to you personally. If you do not wish to talk about your reason for making the subject that is within your right to do so but I would speculate that a person that has not had their feelings acknowledged and rather just be validated, I am not sure what kind of person that would create as there would be a great distance between the person and their parents as if it was a fake relationship. I really don't know?

When I was growing up my mom never talked to me and just stares at me for some reason. She loved me but had no vocabulary to communicate with me> When I was doing something important she just left me in the middle of what I was doing because she was bored. I cannot feel safe if all she will do is abandon me for no reason. Most of my life I did not have any purpose and did nothing because my mom did nothing.
 
TerryHauck said:

The Overcorrection of Emotional Validation​


One of the most common ideas in modern parenting books is that parents should “validate their child’s feelings.” It is repeated so often that it has become almost automatic advice whenever a child is angry, upset, afraid, jealous, or disappointed.
There is a good idea underneath this. Children need to learn what they are feeling and be able to talk about it. But I think the idea has gone too far.

Acknowledging a feeling is not the same as validating it. A child can be genuinely angry and still be wrong about what happened. They can be jealous because they misunderstood a situation. They can be afraid of something that is not actually dangerous. The feeling is real, but that does not make the child’s interpretation of reality correct.
If we constantly tell children that their feelings are valid, they may begin to treat their feelings as proof that their view of the situation is right. Even worse, they may learn to depend on other people to tell them that what they feel is acceptable.
That can follow them into adulthood. Instead of learning to recognize and examine their own emotions, they may constantly look for emotional validation from friends, family, or others. They become better at asking, “Does someone agree with how I feel?” instead of asking, “Why do I feel this way, and is my understanding of the situation correct?”
Children need to learn self-acknowledgment and reasoning, not dependence on validation.


A better approach is, Identify the feeling. Examine it. Determine what is true. Then decide how to respond.
A parent can say, “I can see that you're angry. Let's figure out what happened.”

The emotion has been acknowledged without declaring it right or wrong. The child is then taught to examine their own experience rather than simply receive approval for it.
The goal should not be to raise children who need their feelings validated. It should be to raise children who can recognize what they feel, examine why they feel it, understand what is true, and respond appropriately.

What are your thoughts?
Click to expand...

It is possible to validate someone else’s experience of something without validating their interpretation of what happened.

The value and desirability of doing that is evident when we are talking about adult relationships.

Let’s say a husband and wife are having a disagreement about something, where one or both of them feel slighted by the other. It would be common for them to express their emotions and to give reasons why they feel that way.

It is understandable that even after they talk it out, they may still come away feeling that their partners interpretation of what happened is incorrect.

This doesn’t have to be an insurmountable problem in the relationship.

What is a problem though, is when the partners feel misunderstood by each other or like their perspective is being dismissed. It isn’t really possible to come away feeling like things are ok between the two of them when that is the case.

If all a partner is willing to do is acknowledge what the other person is feeling, it is likely that the other partner will feel both misunderstood and dismissed.

That said, I think it is completely possible to be able to foster in our children the ability to recognize what they feel, examine why they feel it, understand what is true, and respond appropriately, while still keeping the above take away in mind.

The fact is children are often going to misinterpret what is going on. You may not always be able to reason with them into seeing where their logic breaks down. They may be unable to see what is true at the time. Especially when they are very young.

Whenever you can help your children assess what is true, it’s a win that moves them in the direction of acquiring the skill of doing that for themselves. So you always include that step in how you approach emotional situations with them.

Edit: But there are plenty of other lessons that you can teach in situations where their perspective is off and they aren’t capable of seeing it, that don’t involve reinforcing their faulty view on what’s going on.
 
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Erik Alberto said:
It is possible to validate someone else’s experience of something without validating their interpretation of what happened.

The value and desirability of doing that is evident when we are talking about adult relationships.

Let’s say a husband and wife are having a disagreement about something, where one or both of them feel slighted by the other. It would be common for them to express their emotions and to give reasons why they feel that way.

It is understandable that even after they talk it out, they may still come away feeling that their partners interpretation of what happened is incorrect.

This doesn’t have to be an insurmountable problem in the relationship.

What is a problem though, is when the partners feel misunderstood by each other or like their perspective is being dismissed. It isn’t really possible to come away feeling like things are ok between the two of them when that is the case.

If all a partner is willing to do is acknowledge what the other person is feeling, it is likely that the other partner will feel both misunderstood and dismissed.

That said, I think it is completely possible to be able to foster in our children the ability to recognize what they feel, examine why they feel it, understand what is true, and respond appropriately, while still keeping the above take away in mind.

The fact is children are often going to misinterpret what is going on. You may not always be able to reason with them into seeing where their logic breaks down. They may be unable to see what is true at the time. Especially when they are very young.

Whenever you can help your children assess what is true, it’s a win that moves them in the direction of acquiring the skill of doing that for themselves. So you always include that step in how you approach emotional situations with them.

Edit: But there are plenty of other lessons that you can teach in situations where their perspective is off and they aren’t capable of seeing it, that don’t involve reinforcing their faulty view on what’s going on.
Click to expand...

I think you are talking about emphasizing, understanding, and comforting; not necessarily validation.

I you can notice a feeling is not necessarily valid, however you can try and understand how why they would feel that way and also hope to comfort them. This is part of the discussion.

Some adults crave validation in every circumstance and I am not saying there are not times where validation isn't warranted. But we don't validate them in every circumstance like the behavior books like to push.

My concern is instead the overcorrection of validation of all feelings.

More obviously the toxic feelings like hatred jealousy etc ..

But certainly validate positive feelings that are productive and beneficial and honestly valid.
 
TerryHauck said:
But certainly validate…feelings…that are…valid.
Click to expand...
TerryHauck said:
you can notice a feeling is not necessarily valid,
Click to expand...

Where we are apparently going to disagree is this: I think there is an important difference between having an invalid interpretation that gives rise to a negative feeling and declaring that a negative feeling is itself invalid because it’s based on a inaccurate interpretation.

I think it’s problematic (and incorrect) to label a feeling someone else has, as invalid. Try doing so with your wife.

Also, I think we are teaching our children something important when they learn to validate their own inner experience. When they can do this, it means they can stop looking for validation outside of themselves.

That way they don’t become one of those adults you speak of that “crave validation in every circumstance”.

This is important because sooner or later they run headlong into the reality that, as @aeon basically pointed out, the world couldn’t care less about their inner experience.

Edited
 
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Fruiteloop said:
I never really saw this as a clear difference. I did not read any self help books on this particular subject.

I do see parents doing things in the wrong ways because feelings are not something to rationalize away.

Other people might not see the difference either because to most people this would be a distinction without a difference. The words mean the same things to most people. But I understand it is important to make the difference if it really comes down to the nitty gritty of it. Peoples verbal intelligence just aint that high up in the average range for them to notice. Over time many arguments I have had with adults comes from them not understand what I mean because of word definitions not being the same and logic not being followed. It hurts my brain sometimes so I do not make hold high standards of distinctions for other people as often unless I know they will not be offended by them.

So of course you are correct on the matter we should acknowledge the child's feelings before we try validating them but as it is the subject would make sense only to a select few individuals who can understand. Because is validation something we should totally avoid? In adults validation is totally necessary if you do not want the other people to reject you. Some kids act more adult and some adults act like kids. The line would be blurry at a certain transition (child to adult). Reasoning with another person is highly dependant on them being able to reason (if they cannot then you do need validations in some form to not have them view you as against them) whereas ones own child you are not trying to get them to reason with you but to have them love you or they cannot become fully functional adults with secure attachments. It is safe to show ones feelings around a parent but not around other adults who would not allow you to feel things as explicitly as a parent would. If one has a child love is what makes the difference not really reasoning which you have to do with others that do not understand you. So a parrent should undrstand the child more that as they get older other people do not know them as well as the parrent would.

Usually people pick subjects they are interested in like this because I am guessing that you see parents doing it wrong or this happened to you personally. If you do not wish to talk about your reason for making the subject that is within your right to do so but I would speculate that a person that has not had their feelings acknowledged and rather just be validated, I am not sure what kind of person that would create as there would be a great distance between the person and their parents as if it was a fake relationship. I really don't know?

When I was growing up my mom never talked to me and just stares at me for some reason. She loved me but had no vocabulary to communicate with me> When I was doing something important she just left me in the middle of what I was doing because she was bored. I cannot feel safe if all she will do is abandon me for no reason. Most of my life I did not have any purpose and did nothing because my mom did nothing.
Click to expand...

Yes I am not for " Never validation" I am against "Always Validation" hence why I call it an overcorrection from the old methods of just stop feeling ie stop crying, stop whining, etc and never identifying the feelings and helping them understand them.


But I also value a honest relationship over just a, relationship.

Ie Some people will validate everything you say or feel in order to be your friend even if they don't agree entirely with it or even understand it.
That isn't the kind of relationship I want and it isn't how I think children should be brought up.

I am a father and I am told to do something I disagree with so, that is the source of my interest. I don't think it needs a psychoanalysis based on my upbringing. People talk sports and I cannot see any value in it, and no one questions their intentions behind the scenes. But how we raise our children certainly has impacts and significance beyond myself and to myself.
 
Erik Alberto said:
Where we are apparently going to disagree is this: I think there is an important difference between having an invalid interpretation that gives rise to a negative feeling and declaring that a negative feeling is itself invalid because it’s based on a inaccurate interpretation.

I think it’s problematic (and incorrect) to label a feeling someone else has, as invalid. Try telling that to your wife.

Also, I think we are teaching our children something important when they learn to validate their own inner experience. When they can do this, it means they can stop looking for validation outside of themselves.

That way they don’t become one of those adults you speak of that “crave validation in every circumstance”.

This is important because sooner or later they run headlong into the reality that, as @aeon basically pointed out, the world couldn’t care less about their inner experience.

Edited
Click to expand...

This isn't invalidating their feelings, it is delayed self validation of their feelings. It is me not validating negative emotions derived from potential invalid sources and then examining the situation with my child before she can decide if she feels they are valid or not. And she can still feel they are valid and I may or may not agree but I am neither invalidating nor invalidating their feelings

Ei,

Wife: "I think Gretta hates me..."

Validating their feeling, yes she must hate you. BAD
"What makes you think that?". GOOD
 
TerryHauck said:
This isn't invalidating their feelings, it is delayed self validation of their feelings. It is me not validating negative emotions derived from potential invalid sources and then examining the situation with my child before she can decide if she feels they are valid or not. And she can still feel they are valid and I may or may not agree but I am neither invalidating nor invalidating their feelings
Click to expand...

What I am getting at is that, in my opinion, your basic premise that certain negative feelings are invalid is problematic and incorrect.
 
Erik Alberto said:
What I am getting at is that, in my opinion, your basic premise that certain negative feelings are invalid is problematic and incorrect.
Click to expand...

Of course not all feelings are based on realistic interpretations. If your feelings determine what is real, you will be reactive and not as observant to what is actually going on. You also can be inferring intentions onto others.

ie you made me feel like this when you said that therefore that is what you meant regardless of what you actually said or meant.

Emotions point to a truth; they are not necessarily the truth itself.


There are also corrosive emotions and they are neither valid nor invalid but they are damaging to the psychi if they are held onto. Ie hatred and jealousy. The problem is that validation of these emotions can encourage holding onto them and produce other issues for the individual long term.
 
TerryHauck said:
Validating their feeling, yes she must hate you BAD
Click to expand...
So here might be something important to bring up: “she hates me”, isn’t a feeling in the sense of an emotion. The perception that “she hates me” may be invalid, but that doesn’t make the actual emotion associated with that conclusion invalid. You know what I mean?
 
Erik Alberto said:
So here might be something important to bring up: “she hates me”, isn’t a feeling in the sense of an emotion. The perception that “she hates me” may be invalid, but that doesn’t make the actual emotion associated with that conclusion invalid. You know what I mean?
Click to expand...

I guess that depends on what kind of person you want to be. Do you want your feelings to authentically reflect your relationship with reality or to reflect how you choose to see reality?

A feeling is just a different kind of interpretation. And yes the Interpretation can be wrong.

Ie if they had the valid interpretation, the emotions never would have existed.
 
TerryHauck said:
Of course not all feelings are based on realistic interpretations. If your feelings determine what is real, you will be reactive and not as observant to what is actually going on. You also can be inferring intentions onto others.

ie you made me feel like this when you said that therefore that is what you meant regardless of what you actually said or meant.

Emotions point to a truth; they are not necessarily the truth itself.


There are also corrosive emotions and they are neither valid nor invalid but they are damaging to the psychi if they are held onto. Ie hatred and jealousy. The problem is that validation of these emotions can encourage holding onto them and produce other issues for the individual long term.
Click to expand...

Thinking on your concern, I think there is an important factor involved with adults especially your spouse. It hink it a matter of trust. I think with a child there isn't the idea that they are capable of discernment like an adult and certainly not a level of trust in their capabilities to understand the situation like your spouse. So yes with your spouse, there should be more instant validation than you would have with child. I am just pointing that out because these situations are not entirely the same and your spouse would be upset if you avoided validating those feelings because I think they would infer that you don't trust them or are skeptical of their ability to discern the situation ie they arent a child. So it smore than failure to emotionally connect, empathize, and understand; it's a failure to trust
 
Feelings are strange things.

You feel your feelings and do not necessarily have interpretations of them until later on.

Extraverted Feeling may be different because it is always judging what others feel so would focus more on what the interpretations are.

But in general children do not do that, they just feel good or feel bad and don't care what the interpretation is.

So from an outside perspective they do not have any ability to self reflect on what to do, they just want the feeling to go away if negative.

This may be the basic way we deal with feelings at the beginning of our lives is to have the adult regulate those feelings in some way.

So it does not really matter why the feeling exists necessarily what matters is how is the parent going to help the child regulate the feelings.

If the toy broke or the child does not get candy at the store, this makes them feel really bad. What is the parent supposed to do?

Feeling do not go away sometimes. Instead if you have a feeling you handle it by having someone comfort you making things be ok

Feelings that are not felt or that are suppressed or not allowed to happen does not make the child better. That is not healthy regulation.

So validation could help in some instances if the child understand language good enough but most times they need hugs or just someone to be there for them so they know the feeling is not something that makes them have shame or guilt for being who they are having those feelings. The complexity of regulating the child is not in language per say but in the feelings being adjusted so the child does not take them personally as something innate to the child's being. Feelings are not bad in themselves the child should recognize they are not bad either, those feelings just exist and to deal with them the parent must help them some way know this nonverbally most of the time.
 
Fruiteloop said:
Feelings are strange things.

You feel your feelings and do not necessarily have interpretations of them until later on.

Extraverted Feeling may be different because it is always judging what others feel so would focus more on what the interpretations are.

But in general children do not do that, they just feel good or feel bad and don't care what the interpretation is.

So from an outside perspective they do not have any ability to self reflect on what to do, they just want the feeling to go away if negative.

This may be the basic way we deal with feelings at the beginning of our lives is to have the adult regulate those feelings in some way.

So it does not really matter why the feeling exists necessarily what matters is how is the parent going to help the child regulate the feelings.

If the toy broke or the child does not get candy at the store, this makes them feel really bad. What is the parent supposed to do?

Feeling do not go away sometimes. Instead if you have a feeling you handle it by having someone comfort you making things be ok

Feelings that are not felt or that are suppressed or not allowed to happen does not make the child better. That is not healthy regulation.

So validation could help in some instances if the child understand language good enough but most times they need hugs or just someone to be there for them so they know the feeling is not something that makes them have shame or guilt for being who they are having those feelings. The complexity of regulating the child is not in language per say but in the feelings being adjusted so the child does not take them personally as something innate to the child's being. Feelings are not bad in themselves the child should recognize they are not bad either, those feelings just exist and to deal with them the parent must help them some way know this nonverbally most of the time.
Click to expand...

You are mostly correct in what you are saying... I think you are referring to "automatic appraisal" were they are simply responding to a direct stimulus.

Ie I want the bottle and I'm not getting the bottle.

There isn't much to interpret.


Child psychology recommendations are to start identify emotions and narrate the cause at an early age. "You are upset because you are hungry/thirsty/want your bottle" I think as soon as they can communicate their needs at the very latest.
This isn't to take away or replace comforting. I think that falls into what you were saying.



Validating, acknowledgement, identification of feelings is first.
Then the child is able to communicate I am hungry and want food earlier. This reduces a lot of tantrums later that are really just a result of them being unable to communicate what they need.

So yes they do need comfort but this method was found by psychologists or whoever to prevent tantrums in the future.
 
With tears in her eyes and a lilt of frustration in her voice, my 5 year old, Sylvie, says:

…but it is to me, Daddy!

Says my heart to hers, with a hug on standby:

Ah, yes Child, that I do understand. No, your experience of the world as a little human being is hardly invalid. Your frustration has its own validity, indeed. It is rich, precious, and respected by me.
Let me help you suffer less.
Namaste, Dear One.

All the while, I feel in my body the presence of a frustration equally as valid and messy as hers.

🙂
 
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Erik Alberto said:
With tears in her eyes and a lilt of frustration in her voice, my 5 year old, Sylvie, says:

…but it is to me, Daddy!

Says my heart to hers, with a hug on standby:

Ah, yes Child, that I do understand. No, your experience of the world as a little human being is hardly invalid. Your frustration has its own validity, indeed. It is rich, precious, and respected by me.
Let me help you suffer less.
Namaste, Dear One.

All the while, I feel in my body the presence of a frustration equally as valid and messy as hers.

🙂
Click to expand...
Yes that is the emotional side of it. A very heartfelt statement! The kind of love every child should receive 😊


The child psychology does refer to that as Validation and in practice it is 'identifying their feelings and validating their experiences, not necessarily agreeing with their perception of the experience." Ie, the act of emotional comfort, identifying the feeling, and acknowledging the situation, is a way to validate what they are experiencing.

But that isn't how the newer child behavior books and videos are using it. They validate not just the experience but the perception of the experience. They validate in the literal sense of the word instead of the resultant of their emotional welfare and experience.

Also I am aware that refusal to validate, is seen as invalidating. But that isnt how it is presented in practice.
And in this thread it's not an argument to 'not validate' their feelings, it is a discussion of when to and when not to and when we can validate too much. Ie "overcorrection"

I think .."but it is too me" sounds like it could be a response to invalidation statements.

Ie "It's not a big deal"...'but it is too me.' "No one else thinks this is important"...'but it is too me',

I should state that I am against such such statements as much if not more so than validation statements that are unproductive and potentially damaging in the long term.

I guess, validate where it really matters, is authentic, and is healthy and never invalidate your child. Acknowledge their feelings and what caused them when learning what feelings are and what causes them.

That is the right balance, Imo
 
TerryHauck said:
I think .."but it is too me" sounds like it could be a response to invalidation statements.
Click to expand...
Yes, but it wasn’t in this case. The last time I remember her saying that was probably in reference to me explaining that some aspect of how she was playing with her sister was unfair to her sister.
 
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